Dear Diary…

I had an awakening when I finally realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. Did I ever know?….

I used to be so sure of myself. I was the woman who thrived in meetings, who answered emails faster than anyone else, who hit deadlines like clockwork. My job was more than a job.

It was my identity. The titles, the accolades, the “we couldn’t do this without you” pats on the back… it all felt like proof that I mattered. That I was making it.

I told myself and others, “I love my job”…..and “I work well under pressure”…

But then… life shifted. Motherhood cracked something open in me that I didn’t see coming. It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the endless snacks and laundry cycles, but it was how invisible I felt. Not to others, but to myself.

How I realized pressure…the same pressure I thought I thrived in….was slowly hacking away at my spirit.

I kept trying to be everything…the ambitious professional, the present mother, the supportive partner.

Somewhere in that juggling act, I lost sight of the woman holding it all together.

A colleague of mine asked “what do you like to do in your free time”…..and it shook me.
I literally didn’t have an answer…..and even trying to drum up an answer felt impossible.

What made this time worse was the guilt.

Guilt for having my littles before I was “financially” ready…. (or so I thought..)

Guilt for wanting more time with my kids. Guilt for not wanting to climb the business ladder anymore.

Guilt for secretly hating how much of my self-worth had been wrapped up in performance reviews and promotions….chasing the recognition, and trying to keep up with industry “leaders”.

For a while, I panicked. I thought I was failing…wasting my potential. I grieved the version of me who once felt unstoppable. But here’s the twist no one talks about….sometimes, losing yourself is the beginning of becoming.

I felt a lot of fear. This is actually when I started realizing that my work validations were tied to a fear of poverty, and the need to have financial success was really a cover for my own fears around not being capable enough.

Letting go of professional validation didn’t come easily. It felt like a slow death of my ego. But once I stopped chasing the next thing to prove my value, I noticed something strange.

Peace.

A quiet, grounding kind of peace. I stopped needing to be impressive, and started needing to be honest.

And then I stumbled into something even more aligned. A slower pace. Creative work on my terms. Projects that felt like me. No rigid titles, no performance reviews…just space to be real, messy, and evolving.

I didn’t lose myself. I peeled away everything I wasn’t.

And now, every day, I feel a little closer to her…the woman who’s not just a job title or a caretaker, but a whole damn soul.

Still becoming. Still growing. But finally, finally….nearly… home.